


Forget Me Not

by Sister_Grimm



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Axel is not in a good place, Homophobia, Infidelity, M/M, Mental Illness, Rape, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence, ambigious ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 14:11:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7643998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sister_Grimm/pseuds/Sister_Grimm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Axel thought he had left James Jesse in his rear view mirror. He was wrong</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forget Me Not

**Author's Note:**

> This is dark. Take heed of the warnings.

"Does he know you're basically in love with him?", Lisa asks.

Axel blinks innocently, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Because he is not watching Hartley Rathaway's ass as he walks away with beers for him and his annoyingly perfect boyfriend.

"Which is why you look like a kicked puppy whenever Cisco is around.", Lisa smiles knowingly.

"Like you're any better.", he fires back juggling a few bottles for the drink someone just ordered. 

Lisa laughs, "Cisco and I had our fun, we're better as friends. And I don't look like a kicked puppy."

Axel sticks out his tongue, "You just look like a bitch."

"Watch your mouth, kid.", he hears Len growl from the other side of the bar. And it's crazy loud how did Len even hear him?

Lisa laughs again and grabs the tray of drinks to take to table 5.

Rogues is kind of a dive-y place, small tables that don't balance quite right, a small stage for the occasional punk band or drag show, shitty jukebox, but the food is fantastic and the drinks can't be beat. 

And Axel toys with his lip ring as he watches Hartley smile at Cisco.

***

Axel has about three hours to kill between the end of his shift at Rogues and the start of his shift at Piper and he's on his way out at 2 am when he nearly slams into the bear of man that is Mick Rory, their cook, smoking a cigarette by the back door. It's not a long walk back to his and Hartley's apartment but it's dark and Mick blinks, "You walking home, kid?"

Axel nods.

"I'll walk with you."

Axel raises an eyebrow. He knows Len and Mick are protective but he's 25 not 16.

It's about a 15 minute walk if you take some sketchy back alleys and jump a few fences which Axel usually does but Mick is ten years his senior and maybe Axel likes the company or maybe Axel just likes the view. 

Mick doesn't look anything like Hartley but he's good looking in a rough way. And Axel knows he's attractive, hell, he's pretty sure Mick is attracted to him, he can see it. Even if he's met Mick's ex and Ray looks nothing like Axel, all clean cut and puppy dog like. 

This as close as Mick ever gets to touching him, he gives Axel a wide berth but he looks and Axel's being getting those looks since he was sixteen. 

"C'mon, Mickey, let's go through the crazy cat lady's backyard and visit the cats."

"No." , Mick says without a glance.

And Axel pouts, "Aw, c'mon Mickey, live a little." He looks up through his eyelashes and bites his lip and holds eye contact with Mick just a second too long.

"Let's just get you home without you getting arrested for trespassing.", Mick says finally, voice sounding a bit strangled and Axel smirks to himself as they keep moving forward.

***

The two bedroom apartment Axel shares with Hartley is barely big enough to fit the two of them plus Cisco but between both his jobs Axel isn't quite home often enough to care.

They have posters from musicals and from the weird 80s movies Axel loves and he makes himself some 2:30 am coffee because he has to be at Piper at 5 am and he doesn't feel like a little cat nap and he giggles to himself. And he sits down with his DS and whiles away the time.

***

At 4, his phone alarm beeps and he drags himself off the several day unmade bed, with it's fantastic yellow and blue striped sheets. He takes his meds and changes from the "just got fucked six ways to Sunday" look that is his usual Rogues uniform and classes it up slightly. Slightly. The buttondown has studs on the collar and is a little too big so he rolls up the sleeves and puts his tattoos on display. The pants aren't ripped but are skinny enough to draw attention. 

And Hartley hands him coffee in the kitchen. Hartley looks actually presentable and Axel grins, "Thanks, gorgeous."

Hartley rolls his eyes and doesn't dignify Axel with a response. He rarely does. Cisco's shoes are in the door so he must still be asleep Axel notes as he laces up his own bright blue docs.

***

Shawna is leaning on the door when Axel and Hartley arrive, yawning. Piper is a homey kind of place with big green over stuffed couches and vintage music posters on the walls. There's a big blackboard behind where the cashiers stand. So Axel jumps up on the old librarian ladder in the corner and grabs the green chalk and scrawls, "The difference between your opinion and coffee is that I asked for coffee."

He's maybe a little annoyed at Lisa.

He hears Shawna laugh and Hartley cues up the speakers with his early morning mix. It's a lot of crazy techno that gets you jumping around and Shawna is basically dancing as she opens the doors for the first of the poor suckers they call clients. 

Axel spins the bottle of caramel syrup in his hand before putting two pumps in someone's coffee.

And the music has words now so Axel starts singing along as he twirls his way through the area behind the bar. 

***

Cisco pops in on his break from the tattoo parlour across the street and tosses Axel a pack of blue live wires. Fuck, he really wants to hate Cisco.

"Here, I was cleaning up and I found these buried in my closet." And Cisco slides a bag full of comic books over the counter as Axel whips up what the shop affectionately calls the Cisco: two shots of espresso, chocolate syrup, caramel syrup, dark roast almond milk latte. He really wishes he could hate Cisco.

"Did you find your fashion sense?", Axel teases.

"Hi, pot. I'm kettle.", Cisco jokes back. And out of the corner of his eye, Axel sees Hartley smile at them.

The comics even look good from what he can sees as he tucks it under the table. Some pre reboot Warrior Angel and some Marvel stuff. He really wishes he could hate Cisco.

"Looking forward to your appointment?", Cisco asks as he grabs his drink.

"Hell yeah.", Axel grins and he's annoyed that Cisco manages to drag a genuine smile out of him, yet again.

***

He decides to up his fucking with Mick's head game a bit and shows up looking a little more well fucked than usual. He takes off his coat and Lisa's eyes immediately go to his new tattoo. "Ooh, awesome." He grins, the joker card feels very suitable and if it stops people from staring at his arm for all the wrong reasons he'll take it. 

Len steps in close to get a good look, "Barry's work?"

"Yeah." Axel nods.

And he hears Mick grunt approvingly before they all have to start actually working.

And he can feel Mick's eyes on his ass as he bends over the bar to talk to a customer and deliberately shifts his body to hold Mick's attention, lets his shirt ride up a bit. And then just as fast Mick is gone.

This is one of the rare times they have the news playing instead of a game and even though he can't hear it, the close captioning means he doesn't have to.

"James Jesse execution date set"

The blood is pounding in Axel's ears at the same time that it feels that all the blood has left his face and it's a miracle he doesn't drop the bottle of amaretto in his hand.

"Axel?", Lisa says in concern and that breaks Axel out of his trance.

"I'm fine.", he says quietly, hand going to the collar bone where his first tattoo is hidden.

Lisa isn't buying it. But he keeps it together to the end of his shift. He's walking home listening to angry aggressive punk and wasting data trying to figure out when the execution date is.

He hits jackpot eventually. One week. He needs to be there.

Is that screwed up?

But he figures Jesse deserves to have some family there and God knows, Mom isn't going to show up.

And he quit smoking when he moved in with Hartley but God he wants a hit of something. But between Len's rules and Hartley's rules, well that rules out any kind of fun you can have with your clothes on.

He ends up walking in circles in back alleys and doesn't get home until three thirty and Hartley is sitting on the couch. "Were you waiting up for me?", Axel asks incredulously.

"They set James Jesse's execution date.", Hartley says by way of answer.

Axel nods, "Yeah."

"I was worried about you."

Only two people in his life ever gave a damn about him and one is going to die next week and the other can't give him what he wants. So he steps in close, kneels in front of Hartley on the couch and kisses him. It's chaste, not at all like the first time they kissed. When Hartley first offered Axel a place to stay and a job. He remembers sliding into Hartley's lap and dragging him down for a passionate kiss as much he remembers Hartley pulling back breathing heavily, eyes closed and saying, "I have a boyfriend."

Things were awkward for about a week after that. Except then Cisco had to go and be perfect and he isn't crying as Hartley cups his cheek and kisses him back tenderly.

Axel is good at reading people, he's not sure if it's genetic (everyone knows James Jesse is a manipulator) or if he learned it from years of trying to get quick reads on foster homes and nurses and doctors. It's Axel who breaks this kiss because he knows what Hartley's doing, trying to offer what meagre physical comfort he can within the bounds of his relationship, he can feel it in the stiffness of Hartley's body. He knows Hartley thinks he's attractive, Hartley looks sometimes and Axel lets him but no, Hartley's one of the good ones. 

He asked Hartley once why he offered him a place to stay if he didn't want to fuck him and Hartley hadn't looked him in the eye and finally said, "You reminded me of me." So while he's sure Hartley means that, he's pretty sure a small part of Hartley, the part of Hartley that is more broken than even Cisco probably knows, wants him.

A therapist once told him he was desperate for affection. That was the therapist his foster parents made him see when they found out he was writing to Jesse. And that Jesse was writing back.

That was the first time he ran away.

***

He usually keeps a few bottles of hair dye in his closet because he buys them pretty much randomly so he grabs a deep dark blue and dyes the tips of his spiky hair blue as Hartley watches from the doorframe. 

He's shirtless with a towel wrapped around his shoulders as he works gloved hands covered in blue goop through his hair and Hartley looks like he wants to comment on something. Instead he just says, "Try not to stain the bathroom too bad." And he turns back to look at Hartley and snark back when Hartley's eyes fall to the jagged lines tattooed on his collarbone and Axel pulls towel tighter to obscure the view a bit.

***

Both Len and Hartley agree to give him the day of Jesse's execution off, though only Hartley knows why he wants it off.

***

Hartley drives him to the prison at noon and he settles down in the viewing area. He's family so he's allowed to be there and he's right, his mom isn't there but the families of the victims are and he wonders if anyone knows who he is as they strap Jesse down and Axel traces the lines of the tattoo on his collarbone. "Damn you, Dad.", he thinks and it's the first time he's called Jesse "Dad" in years. Not since he was last in the hospital because the therapist at Breedmore said as long as he thought about Jesse as his father, he would never get better because he would feel fated to follow in his father's footsteps.

They let Jesse say his last words and he is certain Jesse knows he's there because he swears Jesse looks straight at him and says, "I'd like to tell my son that I love him and I'm sorry I didn't get to see him grow up." It's the closest Jesse comes to any sort of apology because he doesn't apologize to the families of his victims and the blood is pounding in Axel's ears and his face is hot and he sort of feels like he might throw up.

They inject Jesse and Axel watches as Jesse jerks, face tensing and then nothing. His eyes slip close and it's over. James Jesse is dead. He wonders if he should call his mom. He hasn't talked to her since he turned 18.

"Bye, Dad.", he whispers as they call it.

***

Rogues has a Black Canary show that night. Lisa is practically bouncing off the walls and Axel really wishes he could drink on the job as he lights a shot on fire and feels Mick watch him so he swings his hips a bit, dancing to Laurel Lance's growls. Female fronted heavy metal isn't that rare but Black Canary is more screamo than symphonic and that's what gives them the edge over the their competition. Cisco is focused on the stage but Hartley eyes him with concern. He knows Hartley wants him to talk about it but he can't, he just wants to move on.

The food orders slow down for a while during the show and Mick wanders out, standing beside Axel and Axel shows him how the line work of his new tattoo has healed and Mick wraps callused fingers around his arm to get a better look and then Axel feels it, the startlingly soft touch brushing over the spidery silver scars that line his arm, the scars the tattoo is meant to cover up and Mick looks at him and Axel cringes, "Please don't ask".

His lips brush Mick's ear and he feels Mick's fingers tighten just a fraction on his wrist and oh well that's interesting. So he keeps talking, "Enjoying the show?" When Mick doesn't answer he starts telling dirty jokes and asking Mick about bad pickup lines until Len calls Mick over because there's been a food order and Mick drops his wrist like it's on fire and Axel glances down and notes that Mick's pants are noticeably tented and he smirks.

Bored now, Axel goes back to watching the show over the bar. He shows off a couple of card tricks between flair tricks and that keeps him distracted until the show ends around 1:30. They close up at two.

And he's on his way out when he sees Mick leaning against the wall smoking a cigarette and Axel walks over, slowly and purposefully, and plucks the cigarette out of Mick's hand, debates taking a drag but he hasn't smoked in a year and would probably just start coughing. He presses his lips against Mick's, hungry and and desperate and hot. Mick's whole body goes tense and for a moment Axel thinks he's misread the situation and Mick is going to shove him away but then whatever inner turmoil Mick has seemed to go away and Mick takes back the cigarette and drops it on the ground, stubbing it out as he kisses Axel back. Axel backs him against the wall and Axel is tall but he's skinny so Mick dwarfs him size wise but Axel is in control of this situations as he grinds up against Mick, muttering. "Holy fuck, Mickey, please.", he repeats over and over again until they're both sweaty and sticky and sated.

Axel grins, "We should do that again." And he winks at Mick as he walks away and Mick is leaning against the wall breathing heavily.

***

When his alarm rings he counts out the pills, pauses and then puts them back in their bottles. He's pretty sure Hartley doesn't count his pills to make sure he takes them. Because Hartley is a bleeding heart idiot who for some God unknown reason trusts him.

He'll go back on them before anything bad happens. He promises.

***

He's showing Lisa a card trick that Jesse taught him one of the first time he escaped from prison. The first and only time anyone ever put James Jesse in a minimum security prison. He's pretty sure someone got fired over that. Considering that Jesse got two more life sentences for murders committed during that escape, that's probably fair but he still has fond memories of sitting at McDonalds watching Jesse show him this trick.

"Who taught you all this?", Lisa asks.

"Uh, I learned some of it online, some of it from my dad.", Axel mumbles and out of the corner of his eye he sees blurry movement near the door and his head jerks in that direction. There's nothing there. 

He jumps off the stool and leans over the window into the kitchen, "Yo, Mickey. Cinnamon fries, please." Mick looks up and nods. Axel laughs and starts to sing, "Hey Mickey, you're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey."

He hears Lisa snort and Mick just looks at him with a confused expression before getting started on the fries. And Len just looks at him pointedly.

Lisa pauses, "You know, I don't think I've ever heard you talk about your family."

Axel stops, mid sip of Coke and mumbles, "Shitty family. Don't like to talk about it."

Lisa nods in understanding.

***

Sitting in the corner of his closet is a box marked "James Jesse personal effects". It's been there since the execution date.

He should really open it. 

So he takes a swing from one of those liquor laced energy drinks (the ultimate mood stabilizer: a stimulant and a depressant) and opens it.

Nothing explodes.

The box is almost empty. There's a few letters addressed to him marked RTS, probably when he was in the hospital the last time. An old teddy bear. A pack of playing cards. And a really old photo of a man, a woman and a baby. He flips it over and it's dated the year Jesse was arrested and it's one of the only pictures he's seen of his family. He's familiar with both of his parents' mug shots but he's never seen them look so normal. 

***

The music is obnoxiously loud, country layered over the usual punk playing at Rogues and he turns to Lisa, "What is with the two layers of music?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Axel?"

Oh fuck.

***

He checks his phone after his shift at Rogues and has a message from Hartley. "Crashing at Cisco's tonight."

He's on his way out of the bar, squinting against the too bright street lamps and he smiles manically when he sees Mick. "Yo Mickey!" And the words spill out before he can stop them. "Walk me home!"

Mick blinks, eyes tracing Axel's bare arms in the chilly weather, and then he nods.

The walk back to the apartment seems to be over in an instant, even with Axel showing off his old acrobatic tendencies.

"Come in.", he whispers, mouth by Mick's ear, hand on his wrist.

Mick swallows thickly, hesitates and then follows him in.

Axel leads him through the open plan living room to his bedroom and takes a moment to close and lock the door before shoving Mick on the bed and tugging off his shirt. He feels Mick's eyes on him and he grins, losing the pants in the process. Mick's lips twitch into a near smile at the Mickey Mouse boxers. 

And Axel grins again, "Just for you."

And he knows he'll be nearing the stratosphere soon. He hasn't slept for more than three hours over the last three days. But he climbs onto Mick's lap, knees on either side of his hips and Mick blinks, "Kid..."

"Not a kid.", Axel mutters as he starts trying to get Mick's jacket off and maybe he approached this in the wrong order. And then Mick's big hand slides over the back of his neck and Mick is kissing him and after pining after Hartley for a year, it feels so good to be wanted.

Mick's teeth brush his neck and Axel gasps and when Mick's tongue presses against the lines of the tattoo on his collarbone Axel straight up moans and Mick pulls back to see what caused that reaction and he traces the words with his thumb.

"Who is Alexander Jesse?", he asks.

"Seriously, you want to talk right now?", Axel laughs rolling his hips.

Mick gasps but doesn't move to touch him again.

And Axel sighs, getting the picture. "Alexander Jesse is my ..." real name "...birth name."

Mick doesn't quite look satisfied by that answer but Axel has gotten his shirt off and Mick has gotten the memo, pushing Axel off him to shove off his pants.

It's not that Axel doesn't get laid reasonably often but manic sex is on a different level. Everything feels better, more intense.

***

Axel groans, he's finally managed to get some decent sleep but Hartley's stupid classical music has woken him and he drags himself out of bed and opens the door to glare at Hartley and Cisco, "Turn off the music, please."

Hartley and Cisco look at each other before Hartley slowly says, "We're not playing any music."

"Oh.", Axel mumbles, turning to head back to bed and ignoring the concern on Hartley's face.

***

He's still not sleeping so at about 2 pm when he should be sleeping between shifts, he is opening those letters from James. 

The envelopes aren't dated but they just have the big red RTS stamp on the front. So he opens all of them. And then sorts them by date. They coincide with his last psych ward visit and the brief period of time where he was couch surfing and essentially homeless. So seeing Jesse was difficult at best and then he moved in with Hartley and started taking the various therapists' advice.

The first letter is from a little after his 21st birthday. The margins have a birthday cake drawn in them. And he can almost hear Jesse's voice.

He talks about being sorry he missed the birthday, and hopes Axel made good decisions and didn't get too wasted and Axel smiles. It could be a letter from someone overseas, not what it is. Axel tries very hard to not think about what it is. He always ends his letters with a smiley face near his signature and Axel smiles when he sees it.

The next one is from right when he entered the hospital last. It's meandering, there are anecdotes about their family and talks about card tricks he wants to teach Axel. And then a briefly, a line that makes Axel tense, "I hope you haven't forgotten me." And then the smiley face.

Isn't that what his therapists and psychiatrists always told him to do, forget James Jesse?

He moves on quickly. "I hope who ever's taking up all your time is worth it in the end.", the next one opens with. Then abruptly, Jesse starts talking about his new guard. "He's cute, I think you'd like him." 

"I'm surprised you haven't come back yet. I'm surprised this relationship lasted this long." It wasn't my fault, Axel thinks, I couldn't be there. Jesse continues talking about how he and Zoey met. What love at first sight feels like. "If you ever get to find out for yourself, you should come tell me."

Axel cringes, he's never had a relationship longer than like 6 months. The closest he's come to love is Hartley and that's a complicated thing because Hartley is mostly a close friend he wants to have sex with. The last line is, "They're probably just using you. Can't be too careful around men these days."

Axel clearly remembers coming out to Jesse when he was 16, long before he told anyone else and Jesse smiling and saying, "What kind of parent would I be if I rejected you? Beside I'd be bored without you. The guards hate it when I'm bored."

The letters continue on, alternately telling Axel how much he misses him and disparaging whoever is keeping him away. I'm sorry, Axel thinks like a mantra. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

"You remind me of your mother. She sent you away, betrayed me and for what? Now you've abandoned me as well." No no no no, it wasn't like that. Never like that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The smiley face has angry eyebrows.

***

It's been a long time since he's done this. Rolls up his pant leg, his arms are too tattooed. The knife is a small switchblade he keeps under his mattress. An old force of habit from when foster parents would search his room. He drags it over his leg and feels his heart rate and breathing start to slow. The blood wells up but it's not deep so he rolls his pant leg back down and doesn't worry about a bandage. He puts the knife back and then packs up Jesse's letters.

He's going to need all kinds of coffee to get through both of his shifts today. And then he needs to get at least some sleep because otherwise someone will find out. So he makes up a pot of coffee and pours a little bit of rum into his mug. He needs to come down just a little.

The skittering is back. The little flickers of movement in the corner of his eye and he takes a big sip of his coffee. 

***

He abuses his free coffee privilege at Piper that morning and the mark on his leg itches. But he's four or maybe five coffees in and he kind of feels like a human. Shawna grins, the quote of the day is actually sheet music because Hartley is a fucking nerd.

***

The lights at Rogues are so bright he wishes he could wear sunglasses but he needs to see all the details for his tricks otherwise he runs the risk of dropping things.

Mick pops his head out of the kitchen while Axel leans against the bar, "Hey Mickey, came to enjoy the show?"

And he winks and Mick kind of stutters and Axel smiles, not quite his usual manic grin but a real genuine smile. "I know you can't drink on the job but when we close up I have a shot I want to show you."

Mick nods.

Lisa is singing along to the Ramones on the radio and Axel spins back to talk to customers. Notices a cute redhead with tattoos and leans over the counter, gives some truly awful pickup line just to watch the guy laugh. "Shouldn't I say that?", hot redhead says.

"I like to go for what I want.", Axel says with a smirk.

"Obviously." And when he slides the drink over, he's written his number on the napkin.

The guy nods, "Thank you...."

Axel gets the hint, "Axel."

"Well, then thank you, Axel." 

He sees Len looking less than impressed with him and Lisa slips by, "No wonder you get great tips, you always give out your number?"

Axel shrugged, "Only to the cute ones."

Lisa laughs, "I think everyone is too afraid of Len for that to work for me."

Axel glances up, "I can see why."

And he can feel it, the words tumbling out as though they're being forced out before he can even think them through. But Lisa just grins, "You're an only child, right?"

Axel knows he's never told her that. "Uh... Yeah." He says.

"I can tell. You get used to big sibling shenanigans when you're the youngest.", she says affectionately.

"Yeah, the only person who ever tried to look out for me was my dad." ... Why the fuck did he say that.

"That's good of him. My dad was a douchebag.", Lisa says. 

***

"You were the first person I thought of when I saw this.", Axel says with a stupid grin.

Mick raises an eyebrow, "I'm flattered?". It's not quite a statement.

Axel grins, "You should be, I don't devote my attention to just anyone." And he bites his lip, looks up at Mick and knocks back a shot of his own before grabbing the ingredients he wants.

The shot he wants to show Mick is a fancy fire shot involving a few different kinds of cinnamon liquor and Mick grins when Axel spins his lighter in his fingers and lights the shot behind his own back.

The Axel hops up on the bar, wraps his legs around Mick's waist and drags him close, kissing the cinnamon taste out of his mouth. Feeling Mick's callused fingers on his sides and he shudders. Every touch feels like electricity from Mick's fingers to his dick. 

***

He sits in his room rereading the letters from Jesse when he has an idea. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He grabs a sewing needle from the kit and takes a pen apart. He takes off his pants and crosses his legs. And then he slowly and deliberately pushes the ink into his skin until he's written out the date of Jesse's execution on his thigh. The blood pools and runs over his legs in a thin trickle. 

He falls asleep to the sound of cell doors slamming.

***

He knows Hartley leaves Piper at 5 usually and lets Iris and Wally close up at 9. So Axel is naked and hard in Hartley's bed at 5:30 when the door opens and he gets the confirmation he needs that Hartley is alone. His thoughts are racing too much for him to even try and articulate why he thinks this is a good idea, beyond he is incredibly horny. Hot guy from the bar had been fun but a one time deal probably. 

Hartley opens the door and Axel knows he looks good. Hair attractively disheveled, even if the blue is fading, his face is just slightly flushes and the sheets tugged down low enough that Hartley knows he's naked and Hartley stops. "Axel.", he breathes and Axel gets up and walks over the door, pressing Hartley against it and kissing him.

"Welcome home.", he whispers against Hartley's lips and Hartley digs his nails into the palm of his own hands and Axel drags his hand over the inseam of Hartley's jeans. Hartley gaps, high and needy and then he's pushing Axel back. Back but not off and the back of Axel's legs hit the bed and he helps Hartley tug his shirt off before he tumbles back pulling Hartley on top of him.

Hartley's kisses are desperate and even the soft touches are painfully hot and he hears himself gasp and beg as Hartley kneels between his legs, hands tracing his inner thighs.

And then Hartley's lowering his head and Axel shifts to allow Hartley more movements as he presses his lips against Axel's thigh and as he moves towards Axel's dick, his fingers brush the still healing tattoo and he pulls back.

Axel lifts his head and Hartley mouths the numbers and then says, "Axel... When did you get that."

Axel pauses. His days are all blurring together. "A few days ago?"

Hartley stops, reaching for his shirt. "Are you ok?"

Axel grins, "I have never felt better." And he pulls Hartley in for a kiss.

"Stop.", Hartley says finally.

Axel freezes.

"No. Ok? Just no.", Hartley says firmly. 

And Axel slips away to get dressed. 

"When you're ready to talk about it. I'm here, ok?", Hartley says as Axel heads out towards Rogues.

Axel nods. And then calls hot redhead who's name he can't remember. 

***

The upside of working an early morning job and a late night job is that if you have insomnia anyway you can avoid all of your problems pretty easily. Axel thinks he's starting to come down because he knows he shouldn't have made that pass at Hartley, for Cisco's sake and if he's honest with himself, because of Mick.

So he spends a lot of time in his local comic book shop and spends a lot of time with guys who's names and faces start to blur together but who have places where he can stay for even a few hours between the shift at Rogues and the one at Piper.

Hartley always looks relieved when he shows up for work but they don't talk about it.

***

He leans over the bar to talk to a buff sports type with a wicked smirk and offers to do a body shot off him sometime. And they go back and forth like that. And the guy is too clean cut for Axel's usual type. Even Hartley is tattooed. But the guy eyes him suggestively asks when he gets off.

Axel smirks, "Whenever you want me too, babe. But let's say two?"

The guy nods and walks back to his friends.

***

His shift ends and he heads out the back door before even Mick and his ritual smoke break and he sees the guy standing in the alley and Axel walks over with a smirk. He moves to back the guy into the wall only for the guy to get the better of his sleep deprived exhausted reflexes and Axel feels his back (and his head) hit the wall and he's briefly stunned. 

"So are all queers such sluts or are you just easy?", the guy growls in his ear.

Axel laughs, "I've been told I'm both easy and abnormal." And he tries to sound calm but his speech is pressured and he's not scared. Which is a really bad sign, he knows. Or he would know if he hadn't been in the stratosphere for the last week at least. And the guy hits him. He hears some voices and he tenses.

"Found him.", his attacker calls and Axel spits in his face. The guy hits him again and two other shadows approach them. The dark alley behind the bar is well shadowed, nobody on the street would suspect anything. And the next hit sends Axel tumbling to the ground.

He struggles to stand but one of them stomps down on his legs and catches him mid movement. 

"Like to run your mouth, eh?", that's the first guy again and Axel's eyes have long since adjusted to the dark and he realizes he's surrounded. His heart is beating through his chest and he can't slow down his brain enough to come up with an escape plan. His head is throbbing and the world is spinning and if he loses consciousness he is going to die. 

So when the guy to his left says "Show us what else you do with it." and twists Axel's arm behind his back, he doesn't put up a fight. He knows this type, putting up a fight will just make it worse. And distantly he wonders about Mick's ritual smoke break as the guy grabs his hair. He should probably have apologized to Hartley at some point and then he hears the sound of a shotgun being cocked and Axel takes advantage of the distraction to bite down on the guy, who sends him sprawling to the ground with a solid punch.

"You fuckers want to walk away and never come back." And even through the haze of near concussion brain he realizes that the large shadow is Mick. 

The attackers freeze. And Mick states them down and points the gun straight at them, "Did I fucking stutter?"

And then they flee. Axel stumbles up and then dry heaves, sagging back against the wall

"Axel. We need to go to the hospital."

"No. No. No. I can't.", Axel blurts out.

Mick stops, "Axel..."

"Please.", he begs, "Just take me home."

"Axel..."

"Please. If you take me to the hospital they'll put me in the psych ward. Please just take me home."

Mick nods, finally, and helps Axel stand.

***

The first thing he does when he gets home is take his meds.

He tugs off his shirt and sags down on his bed. He's breathing heavily, shaking just a little bit and he drags Mick in for a kiss. And Mick freezes.

"Axel. No."

Axel blinks. "What?"

"You're 10 years younger than me. I'm one of your bosses. I shouldn't have pursued you."

Axel raised an eyebrow, "I'm pretty sure I pursued you."

"I'm going to wake up Hartley and go home, ok?"

"No!", Axel yelps as loud as he could without being afraid of waking Hartley.

Mick stops.

"We don't have to have sex. Just please, don't leave.", he's surprised by how much he means that.

Mick nods and sits beside him on the bed. Axel lays on his back and stares at his ceiling. Mick moves closer as though he's afraid Axel is going to run away. And Axel takes Mick's hand and drags it over the tattoo on his collarbone.

"Alexander Jesse. My birth name.", he pauses. "My dad is James Jesse, the serial killer."

The feeling of Mick's callused fingers over the tattoo elicits a hitch in Axel's breath and Mick stopped dead.

"I inherited bipolar disorder from him.", his voice cracks a bit. "In addition to all the other shit him being in jail caused."

Mick just nods. 

"He was executed a few weeks ago. I uh...I didn't handle it that well."

Mick finally lays down beside him, one big arm reaching over his waist but never making skin to skin contact until Axel takes his hand and moves closer. And he keeps talking. Because he has to.

***

When his alarm goes off, Mick groans beside him and Axel smiles. "Hey, I have to go to my other job." And he slowly extracts himself from Mick's arm with a smile. His brain isn't quite calm, one days worth of meds isn't going to fix how long he's been off them. But this is oddly nice.

So he wanders out of his bedroom. "Coffee, please?", he says to Hartley and Hartley spins.

"Axel? Oh thank god.", and Hartley moves towards him and then stops, "Axel, what the hell happened?"

And then Mick steps out of the bedroom and Hartley swivels, "What the fuck, Mick! Robbing the cradle?"

Axel blinks, "This is not what it looks like."

But Hartley isn't listening, "He's your employee! He's a full decade younger than you. What the hell were you thinking?", he yells.

Mick stares Hartley down.

"Hartley, this is really not what it looks like.", Axel snaps, hearing his own voice raise.

"Or were you just thinking with your dick?", Hartley hollers at Mick, ignoring Axel entirely. 

"Hartley! Nothing fucking happened.", Axel yells finally.

And Hartley stops.

"I got jumped last night. Mick took me home and I asked him to stay."

"Jesus Christ, Axel. I have been so scared."

Axel nods, "I'll be ok.", he promises.

"Meds?"

Axel nodded, "I promise."

"Christ.", Hartley breathes.

***

It takes a week for things to even start to settle out because he crashes pretty hard. 

Lays in bed and struggles to get to go to work.

Avoids Mick like the plague the best he can.

And he's on his way out to his shift at Rogues when he passes by Cisco on the couch and he stops. "Um... I just...I know you're angry but I just want to say I'm really sorry about what happened with Hartley. I wasn't thinking straight."

Cisco looks at him in confusion, "What are you talking about?"

Oh. Shit. Hartley hadn't told him. 

"I think you and Hartley need to talk.", Axel says finally because Cisco deserved to know.

Cisco nods. And he looks at Axel and says slowly, too slowly to be natural, "Thank you, Axel."

And then Axel flees before he breaks anything else.

***

"Hey, Mickey, walk me home.", he hollers. It's the first time they've really spoken since the very platonic night in his bedroom. His face has mostly healed but the idea of leaving work alone makes him a little anxious.

Mick raises an eyebrow and then nods.

They walk mostly in silence.

And they're standing behind the apartment building when Axel says, "Um, if you wanted to get dinner before work one day. That would be great."

Mick looks at him finally, "Alright."

Axel grins, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding. And he presses a chaste closed mouth kiss to Mick's lips. "How does Thursday sound?"

Mick nods again, "Yeah, Thursday works."

He grins and Mick watches him as he heads into the building.

Hartley is sitting on the couch, glasses on the table and head in his hands. He's shaking and Axel can hear small sobs and choked gasp.

Well looks like Cisco talked to Hartley.

"Hart?", he asks, approaching his roommate slowly.

"He says he needs time. 'Not a break up, just a break'.", Hartley's voice cracks.

Axel you fuck up, he thinks to himself.

He wants to comfort Hartley but he can't because this is his fault. So he sits down beside Hartley but doesn't touch him. Just sits in silence and lets Hartley cry beside him.

"I'm sorry.", he says quietly.

Hartley nods, "I know. This isn't your fault. I should have turned you down when I first came into the bedroom."

"Why didn't you?", Axel asks because Hartley had always tried to keep him sort of at arm's length.

Hartley sighs, "Cisco suggested we get a place. I...", he just trails off.

Axel nods. He understands not handling things well. Obviously.

Hartley continues, "I think we all know I'm attracted to you. Have been since I met you. But you and I know it wouldn't work. You need a stability I can't give you."

Axel nods because he gets it. Hartley's buried his issues so far down no one notices them and then no one was prepared when the issues erupted. He reaches over finally and gives Hartley a slow hug. He can't say Cisco will be back because he doesn't know that but he hopes Cisco does. But he knows Cisco deserve to be happy and deserves better than what Hartley did and then Axel feels guilty again. Hartley has stopped crying by this point.

"Why were you on the couch at 2:30, anyway.", Axel suddenly realizes.

"I couldn't sleep. He looked so angry and so disappointed and it's all I see when I close my eyes.", Hartley's voice cracks again.

***

He's mixing up drinks when he notices Cisco come into the bar alone and Lisa walks over to take his order even though there are other customers she should probably serve first.

When she gets back to the bar with an order (jack on the rocks), Axel looks up at her, "If you're going to make a move on Cisco, just give it a month or so for Hartley's sake."

She raises an eyebrow, "Cisco and Hartley broke up?"

"They're taking some time so we'll see."

"Explains the order then.", Lisa says and she looks over at Cisco sadly. He looks like a kicked puppy dog as Lisa brings his drink over.

Mick is watching from the kitchen in silence as Axel moves to grab the ingredients for his next trick and they make eye contact and Mick smiles, well as much as Mick ever smiles at least.

And Axel's eyes flicker over to Cisco again, he's focused on his drink and looks so small and deflated. And Axel's heart hurts by proxy.

***

The date - Axel thinks it's a date - is simple, a little pho place around the corner because they can't really drink right before they start work.

It's a slow start but over noodles, Mick his life story in return for the one Axel gave him a couple of weeks ago.

When Mick talks about defending Len or Lisa Axel smiles, "Wish I'd known someone like you when I was a kid. All I ever had was Jesse."

Mick looks, if possible, less impressed than usual. "No siblings?"

"A few. I uh, I was an easy target. This little beanpole who couldn't do shit to hurt you back. Not for a while at least." Because Axel knows Mick doesn't mean blood siblings. "Jesse eventually started giving me tips for dealing with them.", he admits.

Mick twitched. 

"I mean they probably weren't good tips.", Axel says with a chuckle, "But they were all I had." Axel pauses, "He was all I had until I met Hartley."

"And now that he's single?"

Axel's head jolts over to Mick from where his eyes had wandered, "What?"

"You're subtle as a bag of bricks, kid. You've got a thing for Rathaway."

"Had.", Axel corrects, "I mean, I'm here with you for a reason?"

Oh this wasn't a date.

"Oh.", Mick says and he sounds surprised.

"I know I was kind of an asshole in how this whole thing got started and I know you're technically my boss but I really like you.", Axel blurts out.

Mick nods, "How about we take it slow?"

Axel nods. Slow could work.

**Author's Note:**

> Come visit me at notsolittlegirlevenmorelost.tumblr.com


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